Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
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“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
My biological clock is wheezing.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product