“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
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I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
This came to me in a dream.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.