I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
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*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
no their not
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never