It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
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[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.