My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
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I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
This is a sub tweet
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
worst…sale…ever
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .