[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
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My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.