Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
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Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
🌱🌱🌱
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
What?