[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
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Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.