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Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…