I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
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*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?