If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
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If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok