Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.