I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
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Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Hmm, not sure about this change
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.