#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
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“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass