Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
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*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
my professor scared me for a second
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?