I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
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Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Great Canadian literature.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Nothing.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day