Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
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Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Mad Max Arctic Road
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit