Why aren’t more people talking about this?
You Might Also Like
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
SF is the wild wild west man
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”