If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
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A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time