Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
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Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Simple
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.