Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
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[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
*seductively corrects your posture*
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Is fake venison called venisn’t
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days