They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
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From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Tremendous stuff
Pickled cat.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.