The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
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Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
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“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?