Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
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Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…