Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
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When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere