my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
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I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Support your local cemetery
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Whisper out to librarians!
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
dictator is short for richard potato
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.