“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
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Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas