Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
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Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Yoga Matt
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
The three genders.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to