To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
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can I use a minion as a tampon
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
The booster protects against what, now?