Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
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Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Yup.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?