The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
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Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Please do it!
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”