*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
You Might Also Like
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!