*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
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Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf