I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
You Might Also Like
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Succinctly put.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*