[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
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Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff