I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
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[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
#Caturday
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Carpe DM
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.