Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
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Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.