[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
United Steaks of America
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!