Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
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it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity