Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
You Might Also Like
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.