17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
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Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
HERE’S MARKY
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
somebody come look at this
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*