Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
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Seems kinda suspicious
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing