2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
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The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
pelicons
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.