[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
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Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time