me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
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this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
The Birdles
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Are you a cat person or a person person?