People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
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2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
What is going on? 😅
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me