Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
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I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?