Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
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Somewhere in an alternate universe
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia