Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
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Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Hitlers gonna hitl
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.