[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
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The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
not seeing the problem
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I bet birds love this building.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
the greatest twitter interaction
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.